Author’s Note
4 February 2010. Written in fulfillment of a HI 18 midterm essay requirement.
Basically the idea was to choose two characters we had discussed so far this semester and create an exchange that was light, witty, and with as much historical accuracy as we could muster.
VOICEOVER Gossip God here – your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Greece’s elite. Spotted: L and X meeting over coffee to discuss…what, exactly? Grab your hoplon and xiphos, men – this could get bloody.
EXT. COFFEE SHOP ALONG A PICTURESQUE COBBLESTONE STREET IN A MODERN-DAY GREEK CITY – DAY
An all-too-familiar coffee chain with canopied tables and wicker chairs. LEONIDAS and XERXES sip cups of black coffee, an untouched plate of baklava in front of them.
XERXES (leers) Well, well, well, Leonidas – you haven’t changed a bit, have you? I mean, you’ve plugged those arrow wounds and washed off the blood, but I dare say you clean up well for a centuries-old legend.
LEONIDAS (coolly) I’m going to pretend that wasn’t the least bit condescending. So why the sudden get-together after all these years? You tore me away from such a rewarding afterlife. We Greeks sure can throw a mean party, even after all these years. I’ll make sure to have Hermes send you an invite sometime – although I have to warn you, you may not get the kind of welcome you have in mind. Time hasn’t healed old wounds for a lot of my people.
XERXES (lip curls) And I’m going to pretend that invite was sincere. Anyway, the reason why I called you here was to talk the release of the movie 300 in theaters worldwide. (pauses, continues sincerely) I wanted you to know that I had nothing to do with the historical inaccuracies in the film. In fact, I detest how Hollywood has distorted the truth in order to rake in profits, and I support you in whatever course of action you choose to take in addressing this issue.
LEONIDAS (taken aback) Why… I have to say, I didn’t expect this from you, Xerxes. I’m…pleasantly surprised.
XERXES I know we haven’t always gotten along, but I just wanted you to know that. I kind of feel bad for having the Immortals kill you, all those years ago. And I’ve been meaning to tell you – choosing Thermopylae as the site for the battle, and flawlessly executing a phalanx formation with your men? I was – am – in awe of your brilliance.
LEONIDAS (still shocked, a bit flustered) Well, I… Wow, thank you, Xerxes. Just…wow. You know, I’m glad you suggested this coffee date.
XERXES Yes, me too. Now, do tell me more about pre-battle cleansing ritual you Spartans perform. My Greek friend was a little fuzzy on the details, and I’ve been intrigued for all these years.
LEONIDAS Oh, sure! Well for starters, let me tell you that the lamellar armor we put on needs to be made of the finest cloth. Otherwise, it itches like hell, and believe me, that is not a sensation you want when you’re in the phalanx formation – you just cannot get a good scratch in, and you get all distracted…
VOICEOVER Looks like L and X have made peace…for now. You know what they say – there’s a fine line between friends and enemies. Until next time… You know you love me! XOXO, Herodotus – er, Gossip God.
